319. Clinging!

                          Winslow Homer

The work of Civil War American artist Winslow Homer has been suggested as inspiration by
SIMPLY SNICKERS this week.

CLINGING!

Goodness me! There's Father!

Whatever will he say,

When he sees us being shameless,

Acting in this way?

Mother's more broadminded.

She made these swimming things.

But even she might blush a bit

If she saw how the fabric clings!

It was pleasant in the water

Though it was a new sensation!

I felt the way  Eve must have felt 

At the dawning of creation!

My limbs felt free and blissful,

Not corseted and confined;

I felt all curved and feminine

And delightfully designed!

The seaweed clung around my thighs!

It felt like utter bliss!

But now we have to face Papa!

And admit we've been remiss!

We've come out of the water,

Our figures are revealed!

Whatever will dear Father say

When nothing is concealed?

Maybe he hasn't seen us!

I'll give a little wave.

Maybe we'll get away with it

And just have a close shave.

Keep close to me, Lucinda!

We have to hold our nerve.

Bend over, dear, and crouch a bit:

That'll help disguise each curve.

I'm glad Mama made little caps

To cover up our hair!

And our gauzy little trousers

Stop our legs from looking bare.

But nothing can disguise the fact 

That our bosoms are on show!

Let's head for the bathing-hut, dear,

Come on now, don't be slow!

Too late! I think he's seen us!

He's coming over, too!

This is our fatal moment!

There's nothing we can do!

But I have to say there's one thing

I just don't understand.

Why is father out here on the beach

With a spy-glass in his hand?

318. The Lost Key!

The SUNDAY SCRIBBLINGS prompt reminded me of an old monologue I used to perform.

The prompt is 'LOST'.

THE LOST KEY!

(Maybe a little rude but I always assumed a very innocent air and it worked!)

In twelve-oh-nine,

We were doing fine

In our castle on the hill,

And, if the Infidel hadn't raised some hell,

We'd all be happy still.

But my Noble Lord was getting bored

So he went to the Crusades;

Put my chastity under lock and key,

And that of the serving maids.

Hey nonny nonny

Tralala!

That's how sexist all men are.

It was twelve-sixteen

And I hadnt seen

My Lord for several years.

I'd learned to tat,

And I'd grown quite fat,

And I'd shed some wifely tears.

Oh, a minstrel's tune

Passed an afternoon

And the weather could be discussed,

But I have to admit

I couldn’t sit,

On account of increasing rust.

Hey nonny nonny

 Heel and toe!

Barnacles began to grow.

In twelve-twenty-four

Came a herald to the door,

And I learned, with bated breath,

That my Noble Lord

Hadn't perished by the sword!

He'd been plucked from the jaws of death!

'I'll resume my life

With my lovely lady wife.'

Were the words he wrote to me.

Then he added a bit……

'I'm sorry to admit

That I've been and lost the key!'

 Hey nonny nonny

 Give and take!

That was quite a big mistake!

In twelve-twenty-five

Came the day he would arrive

Victorious from the war!

We went to our room

In the hope we could resume

Our relationship, as before.

I felt depressed,

But I should have guessed

That my lord was a resourceful man.

When we'd closed the door

In his upraised hand I saw

The key to a sardine can!

 Hey nonny nonny

High-de-ho!

What a lot of oats to sow!

By twelve-twenty-six

We were really in a fix,

For the key just wouldn't fit!

Though he gave a twist

And a jiggle of the wrist,

He couldn't get the hang of it.

By twelve-twenty-eight

We submitted to our fate

And stopped looking for ways and means.

And in twelve-twenty-nine

We both sat down to dine

On some very, very stale sardines.

Hey nonny nonny

Woe is me!

As I sing the Ballad of the Sardine Key!

317. Sized Up!

SIZED UP!

Three handsome dogs walked out one day and all of them were males.

They walked with a casual canine air, wagging their little tails.

The first was a smart Retriever, and a Labrador was following.

The last was a little Chihuahua, small enough for swallowing!

Young men of every species have an eye for the main chance,

And to every dog upon their way they gave a second glance.

At last they chanced on Fifi, a Poodle and a girl!

The sight of this sexy female sent their hormones in a whirl!

Fifi was white and fluffy, with quite adorable eyes,

And Rex and Lex and Charlie all desired her as a prize.

They lined-up for her favours, but Fifi was no fool,

Even with three smart suitors she certainly kept her cool.

'The first one' giggled Fifi, who was quite inclined to tease,

'To utter these two words….one's LIVER and one's CHEESE…'

'Liver', 'Cheese!' they shouted, eager to pass the test!

'Hold on!' said little Fifi 'You haven't heard the rest!

You must make-up a pithy sentence to prove that you are clever!

I could never mate with a stupid dog! Never! Never! Never!'

The Retriever, Rex then cleared his throat, hardly able to wait;

'Cheese and liver; these are foods I absolutely hate!'

'Utterly dull!' said Fifi; 'You lack imagination!'

Rex slunk off, despondent, shocked by the situation.

Then up spoke Lex, with a dog-like grin, very eager to please;

'I know! I know!' he blurted out 'I love liver and cheese!'

'No better!' said Fifi, 'And, whatsmore, I think it's even duller!

I want a sentence full of life, and wit, and charm and colour!'

Charlie Chihuahua stood apart, waiting to be invited.

His friends looked on, knowing he, too, was just about to be slighted.

'And what about you?' said Fifi, as Charlie stood in line.

Charlie smiled then he spoke up….

'Liver alone! Cheese mine!'

NOTE.

Note: Entry for SKYWATCH FRIDAY to be found on my PLUS blog; click on this page.

316. What is Life?

An enormous topic from MEME EXPRESS!!!

WHAT IS LIFE?

Life is awareness.

I am sure that

When I cease to be aware

The world will end.

Why should the sun bother to rise

If I am not there to see it?

Why should the world bother to spin

If I am not there for the ride?

The age of the universe will

Exactly match the length of my life.

Because my awareness

Has created it.

And my aware life is eternal.

My mind can only know life;

Therefore I shall know

Life without end.

And if it has no end
It is
Everlasting Life!

Even as I am thinking

 'Here comes Death'

I shall be alive.

My brain will not tolerate Death.

And neither will I.

Death is the absence

Of awareness.

If I am unaware,

I am not dead.

I am nothing

In nothing

And of nothing.

There will be nothing of which to be aware.

Because it will have all ended with me.

You see, I made the whole thing up
In the first place!

Extra Extra!

(Taken on the beach this-morning.)

EAST, WEST......

We may have sailed the ocean,

We may have spread our wings.

But East, West,

Home's Best.

It's just one of those things.

Brown Beauty.

BROWN BEAUTY.

Elisabeth of Bavaria

Was famous for her hair.

It was long and brown and beautiful

And she treated it with care.

Every day it took three hours

To brush and comb and plait.

The fact that the servants muttered

Should not be wondered at!

Every three weeks her hair was washed

With an egg and brandy mix.

A whole day was given-up to this:

It took that long to fix.

If a single hair fell from her head

She ranted and she raved,

So the servants pocketed the hairs!

Every single one was saved!

It seems she had anorexia;

She lost a lot of weight

And she dieted and exercised

At a rather frightening rate.

A tall and willowy beauty,

Noted for her taste,

She starved herself

To keep her tiny 21 inch waist.

Though she was married to a King

She hated her married life,

She preferred to be writing poetry

Instead of playing wife.

In a way she was quite modern

In fact, an early Green,

Anorexia? Conservation?

Quite mod for a Queen!

When she was growing elderly

To prevent each cruel stare

She carried a brown fan all the time.

Let's hope it matched her hair!

Lost at Sea!

This odd shot will be explained by the following poem! It was taken by a certain someone lying in bed!

LOST AT SEA!

I have two favourite hobbies;

One is eating; the other's chat.

I appreciate delicious food;

I'm a verbal acrobat.

So what better holiday for me

Than a round-New Zealand cruise?

Though I'm not too keen on Bingo

And I'm not too keen on booze!

Two thousand passengers on board!

That makes four thousand ears!

And all of them so ready

To be nabbed and bored to tears!

I'd tell them about my childhood!

And all my pains and aches!

The slightest bit of encouragement...

Yes..... that's all it takes!

And in between the chatting

I'd nibble this and that.

Making sure I ate the salads,

Avoiding getting fat.

Well, maybe just a scone or two,

And a second slice of cake,

And I'd rather like a couple

Of potatoes with my steak!

To say that I was ready......

The understatement of the year!

To eat and chat for fourteen days

And someone else could steer!

All went well for two whole days

Exactly as I planned,

Talking to this and that on board,

And eating on demand.

Then! Woe was me! A little germ,

Not anything of note,

Crept down the air-conditioning

And settled in my throat!

I lost my voice! I was struck dumb!

My taste-buds went on strike!

I looked with great disfavour

On the food I used to like!

A hacking cough developed!

People looked at me askance!

I know they longed for my company

But they couldn't take a chance.

I sat alone on the upper deck,

Sniffing in silent sorrow,

Trusting to luck I'd be myself

At least by the tomorrow.

But no! The microbe lingered on

Day after day after day,

No speech, no taste, I was a wreck!

This was some holiday!

But 'Always look on the bright side'

As Monty Python sings;

While I was on a diet

Some folk ate like kings!

Malcolm was into the pasta

And the extra currant bun!

He's put on three kilos!

I've actually lost one!

314. Flash!

I have packed the robot in the cupboard now I have returned from my cruise.
(There will be photos of this adventure on my PLUS blog in due course.)

OLD LADY LINCOLN first published this gentle little story and I asked her permission to 'rime' it.
 Here it is as my 'F' contribution to ABC WEDNESDAY.


See my PLUS blog for my pictorial 'F' offering.

FLASH!

We were walking home from the park one day,

 Little Kate, my grandaughter, and I,

When I saw great storm clouds

 Rolling in out of an angry sky.

Great purple billows loomed our way,

 Thunder-rollings filled the air,

And lightning flashed in the distance,

 But she didn't turn a hair!

Kate is four and a nervous child

 So I took her hand in mine

Hoping to reassure her,

Although she seemed just fine.

The first great drops of heavy rain

Began to tumble down,

While the storm grew in intensity

 As we quickly walked to town.

The lightning flashes multiplied

 And seemed a growing threat.

I looked down at Kate's little face.....

 Was she nervous yet
With the thunder and the lightning,

The frightening boom and crash?

She said 'Wait a minute, Granny!

 There goes another flash!'

She smiled the very widest smile:
It shone just like the sun!

And said

'God is taking my photo!

 Granny! This is fun!'

Wicked Wasp!

Another little bit of Fonic Phun!


 WICKED WASP!

A wasp flew in my window and wandered down my wall.

It waved a wing

And wagged a sting

And I didn't like that wasp at all!

I wished I were a witch so I could make it disappear,

But it came zoom

Across the room

And stung me on my ear!

With weeping and with wailing 

I watched that wasp go by.

It winked at me

Quite wickedly

And I never even wondered why!

My ear was red and burning where the wasp had had his fun,

But it swooped backWith a new attack

And bit the other one!

312.Check Mate!

I like men! Honestly! But they're particularly useful when it comes to making jokes!

CHECK MATE!

Young Billy came home with a car

And Billy was only thirteen!

It was parked in the drive

And, heavens alive,

It caused a most terrible scene!

His Mother said 'You're just a child!

How could you have come by a car!'

And Father said 'Son

It cannot be done!

The whole thing is really bizarre!

Not only a car but a Porsche!

And not only that but brand new!

Now let's get this straight!

If there's one thing I hate

It's dishonest dealings from you!

Did you steal any money my boy?

Come on now, look me straight in the eye!'

Said Billy 'I had

Enough money Dad!

It wasn't expensive to buy!
It was just fifteen dollars that's all,

And I easily had that to pay.

I just paid the cash

And then, in a flash,

I was in it and driving away!'

'Just give us the name and address'

Said Mother, still out of her mind.

'Right from the first

I was fearing the worst!

These people are tricksters, we'll find.'

Later on Mother found the right house;

She knocked and a woman came out.

'So you are the one

Sold a Porsche to my son!'

Said the Mother ' Well! What's it about?'

I'll explain' the young woman replied,

Not looking at all disconcerted;

'I'm here on my own;

Tom, my husband has flown

To Hawaai. Yes, I've been deserted.

He's run-off with a dizzy young blond!

He tells me he's not coming back.

At first I felt mad

And a tiny bit sad

But I'm getting my life back on track.
Well, this Monday a letter arrived.

Would I please sell his wonderful car.

So he'll then make a splash

With our mutual cash!

Spending most, I've no doubt, at the bar!

When I saw your young lad in the street

I asked him how much he could pay.

Fifteen dollars! Yippee!

That was just right for me!

It should reach Honolulu  today!

Birthday Tea

BIRTHDAY TEA

Hear her say 'For goodness sake!

You ought to know I don't like cake!

You waltz in here, proud as you please,

When I'd much prefer a hunk of cheese!

I haven't got a sweet-tooth, dear!

How many times I've made that clear!

Alright, it took a whole afternoon!

Alright, young Edwin licked the spoon!

Alright, you're feeling quite worn out!

Alright, dear! There's no need to pout!

I'll cut the cake, will that satisfy you?

I trust that that will pacify you!

And yes, I'll actually eat a slice,

But only one, that will suffice.

Just a crumb with tea in a cup.

But I can't promise I wont throw-up!

Icing is so sweet and sickly!

Maybe if I eat it quickly!

Cake crumbs under my new front plate!

I've told you that's something that I hate!

Why! This cake isn't even decorated!

And where are the candles? Not located!

Cakes look nice when the icing's pink.

Pink's a good colour for cakes, I think.

What's that dear? You prefer white?

Well, if you're happy, that's alright.

A cake without candles! What a farce!

And where's my name? Well, I'll let that pass.

I bet there will be some mishap!

There! I've dropped some on my lap!

What a birthday! Was it too hard

To send your mother a birthday card?

You sent an email! Fair enough!

You know I hate that new-fangled stuff!

Now of course there's the little question

Of Mummy getting indigestion!

My pills, silly girl, in the top drawer there!

Sometimes I think you don't even care.

Are you going? Well, toodle-oo!

Yes, my darling, I love you too!

310. Corny!

This was sent to me (in prose form) as the best Blonde Joke ever. I wonder.

CORNY!

A blonde was very puzzled by a jigsaw she was doing

So she phoned her boyfriend hoping he'd come round.

'What sort of jigsaw is it?' he inquired on the phone.

'It'll be something simple, I'll be bound!'

'No! It's really very tricky, and no pieces seem to fit!

It simply doesn't make a lot of sense!'

'Well, try following the picture!' the boyfriend then advised,

'What is it?' 'It's a rooster on a fence.'

'Keep trying!' he responded, 'I'll be there very soon',

(After all, she was as blonde as Dolly Parton!)

As soon as he saw the jigsaw he laughed out loud and said

'Let's put the cornflakes back into the carton!'

309. Tears

I'll soon be back from my holiday so Comments are once again appreciated!

TEARS!

The life of a poor Film Extra is so fraught!

It's  really ranks as quite a dangerous sport!

After one's sat around for half a day,

Knowing one's going to earn so little pay,

One is asked to express emotion right on cue,

In front of a laughing camera-man and crew!

Last week as usual I was on the set

Nice and early... well, isn't that etiquette?

There were dozens of others waiting around on hand;

We Extras are quite a large, united band.

The Director came to give us all 'the chat'.

Today he spoke to us about 'That Cat.'

Now I must make it plain to all  my readers

That this film was not designed to suit cat breeders;

The film is of the 'Lassie' sort, but feline,

Hoping eager Catty types might make a bee-line

For the local cinemas where it is showing,

And reports might be encouraging and glowing.

Sentimental? Well I have to say that's certain,

Especially the weepy final curtain.

The subject of the story? Emigration;

A move to some completely different nation.

And, in a way that you'd expect, the cat

Is deserted and abandoned  on the mat!

But that plucky cat (of course) makes her own way

To a country  very, very far away .

She crosses forests, oceans, mountain peaks

And the journey takes her many many weeks!

Sadly, she's knocked-about by her survival,

And poor Kitty ends up dead upon arrival!

So the Director went on with his spiel....

'There's a lot of raw emotion you must feel.

You'll be crowds when she is kidnapped in the zoo,

When she sails on board a ship you'll be crew;

You'll be audience when she performs on-stage;

You'll be brutes when she is locked up in a cage.

Now you can sniff judiciously my friends

But save your tears until the story ends.

You'll be equipped with 'TEARS", a special spray,

But don't add any tears until I say!

One whiff and then your tears will soon be proving

That the drama is incalculably moving!

Cry too soon, the pathos surely will be lost!

And consider then, the awful up-front cost!

So, no spray till I give you the command.

Cry when they find the body! Understand?

Be careful how you use this special spray!

Don't squirt until the time you hear me say

The cue for you for Kitty's final bow …..

It's

'If you have 'TEARS' prepare to shed them now!'