Tuesday, October 28, 2008

178. Off-White

(A photo of the players on my PLUS blog. This is particularly for Margaret, in New York, because I often mention these 'girls'(!) in my emails.)

A rather  longer entry than usual today as it's a short play. It is, in fact, a very silly version of 'Snow-White' that my little group is staging for this Christmas. Only a few wigs, a frame, some apples in a basket and some Santa hats are needed for props, and the words are read. The idea is that the group will act it first and then members of the audience will be asked to perform!

Maybe some of you who read my Blog might be looking for something to 'put on' during the Festive Season.
Help yourselves!

The Reader.
The Queen; a blowsy dame with huge lipsticked lips.
Snow-White: well, you know.
The Mirror: someone looking through an empty photo frame.
The Seven Dwarfs: very dwarfy.*
Prince Vince: wow!
The tale we'll tell
You'll  know full well,
For it's been around for years.
It's called Off-White.
(You'll recall her plight.)
But first the Queen appears.
I am the Queen
And I'm very mean
Though I'm beautiful for sure.
I've the sort of looks
Read about in books
And I'm noble and I'm pure.
Since this is a farce
I'm a looking glass
But I talk because I'm magic
As you can see,
As well as me,
Her looks are more like tragic!
Ah you can speak!
Now I'll take a peek!
Mirror mirror on the wall
You must now declare
That I'm fresh and fair,
The most beautiful of all.
You sad old bag!
You mean old hag!
Your face is a ghastly mess.
Off-White you see
Is more fair than thee,
Though she wears a ragged dress.
Now I'll step in!
The plot is thin
But it needs an explanation.
The Queen is wild
For her husband's child
Has caused this situation.
I was always best!
Above the rest!
How dare she do the dirty?
I'll cook her goose!
No friendly truce
Can make me feel less shirty!
(Exit Queen)
And, sure enough,
In an awful huff,
She's leaves to plan and plot.
Off-White must die!
Her hopes are high
That she'll win back top spot.
The mirror wails
For this entails
A nasty gruesome slaughter!
Poor little Off-White
Can't put up a fight.
Though she's a monarch's daughter.
Off--White (entering)
I am Off-White,
I'm a bit of all right
Like  a pretty little rose.
I've juicy lips,
Undulating hips
And a dear little turned-up nose!
It's true, my dear,
If you had the gear,
You'd win every prize around.
But flee for your life
From your father's wife!
You'd better go to ground!
(Exit Mirror)
So Off-White flees
Among forest trees
Until she loses her way.
It's late, it's dark
And her vital spark
Is withering away.
A house I see,
Just right for me.
I think I'll go inside.
I wont be found
If the Queen comes round.
What a very good place to hide!
But she's rather fussed
By the dirt and dust
So she flicks her little duster
She attacks the dirt
With an energy spurt
And all the vim she can muster.
(Dwarfs come heighhoing from afar)
But oh dear, oh dear!
Now what's this here?
What a ghastly sight I see!!
Seven old men!
Coming home again
Seven of them and me!!!!!
Off-White, at first,
Seems to fear the worst,
But the dwarfs are quite platonic!
They just require
A cosy fire
And a glass of gin and tonic.
What a welcome sight
On a chilly night
A housemaid who's made to measure!
Make sure you stay
And work hard each day.
My! But we've found a treasure!
I'll gladly work!
I will never shirk
Although I'm so good-looking!
I'll rake and hoe
And wash and sew
And even do your cooking!
(Exit Dwarfs)
The very next day,
They're on their way,
Back working in the wharves.
They sing heigh ho
As off they go!
They must be the Seven Dwarves!
I'm free as air!
She wont know where
I'm safely tucked away.
I may be poor
But I know for sure
That this is where I'll stay
But as she works
Look, there she lurks,
The Queen in a deep disguise!
She has fruit to sell
Though we know full-well
She's going to tell some lies
(Queen enters in diguise)
You little dear!
See, I have here
An apple ripe and red.
It's big and bright
And just one bite
(aside) Will make sure that she falls dead!
You dear old thing
What joy you bring
To a maiden all forlorn!
I'll taste your fruit
Although I'm cute
And very highly born.
She takes a bite
And, strike a light,
She begins to lose her breath.
She gasps, she chokes
She screams, she croaks,
And it all results in death.
(Reviving briefly) I want a word!
I may look absurd
But they've given me permission
To die upright
At my full height.
A convenient position! (Repeat death)
(Exit Queen. Dwarfs return)
Off goes the Queen
Still mad and mean,
And the Seven Dwarfs return.
But their  tea's not cooked,
 It's been overlooked
As they'll very quickly learn.
There'll be hell to pay!
Oh sorry day!
We've lost a great au pair!
We're high and dry
So let's have a cry!
Life simply isn't fair!
(Dwarfs sob and cry. Enter Prince Vince.)
But a handsome Prince
With a nice blonde rinse
Comes through the woods by chance.
His eyes are led
To a girl who's dead
And he gives a second glance
Make way! Make way!
You must obey!
For I'm from the upper crust.
She's in a faint
And I'm no saint.
In fact I'm consumed by lust!
He sees her hips
And her rosebud lips
And he loses all control!
Just look at this
He plants a kiss
And she wakes up! Bless my soul!
Just like real life
They'll be man and wife
And they'll both grow quite familiar!
But we have to say
That this little play
Couldn't have been much sillier.

* Can be one dwarf plus six audience-members Conga-style.


Winifred said...

Very clever,I really enjoyed this Brenda.

Thanks for your lovely comments. Like Arnie, I'll be back!

Bear Naked said...

Sounds to me like you are going to have a great time.
Will you be playing any of the parts yourself?

Bear((( )))

Gill - That British Woman said...

that was my question what part are you playing?

Gill in Canada

Rinkly Rimes said...

The 'Off-White' play has been written in case anyone can't make our main play at the last minute, so we have no parts. It'll all be casual and we're all prepared to be anything.

JP/deb said...

This is fun & charming!! What a great idea :) JP/deb

Merle said...

Hi Brenda ~~ Loved the play ~ Off-White
You amaze me with your taleny. Thanks for your visit. Take care my friend,
Love, Merle.

Kat said...

How great it was to read with a smile playing on my lips.... well dramatised Brenda.

The moral to learn is.... many a things tend to become right with a smack to the lips :)))