SATURDAY CENTUS
had this idea!
SURPRISE!
'Surprise! I'm Pregnant!' was the meme. It had a curious ring,
For I'm a lady of eighty and past that sort of thing!
It certainly would be a surprise if I were in that condition
For all my 'working parts' have, since forever, been in remission!
I'm free! I'm free! My body's mine, though crumbling into dust!
I'd rather have a cup of tea than a bit of old-fashioned lust!
But if my daughter or daughter-in-law were to have a slight mishap,
I'd gladly welcome a bundle into my senile lap!
*
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CRIMINAL INTENT
I stand in line at the check-out in the old time-honoured way,
With money at the ready, which I'm prepared to pay.
I'm an upright citizen so I read all the signs,
And I always act accordingly, especially in lines.
I know society depends on customers like me
'Toeing-the-line' in every sense, when on a spending spree.
I know my little trolly is half-empty so I'm sure
I've only a few items, maybe eight or nine, no more.
I idly start to count them as the check-out hoves in sight
And I find out to my horror that my estimate wasn't right!
There are actually twelve items and the sign says 'Only ten!'
Inexorably I move on as the shoppers shift again!
Now I'm faced with a dilemma, should I now quit my spot,
Returning to the shelves the extra items I have got?
No! I'm going to be quite brazen! I'm a pensioner, foresooth!
Old people should have leeway (we can't count as well as youth!)
As I'm emptying my trolly I feel the gimlet eyes
Focussed on my purchases! Have I been unwise?
A gentleman behind me clears his throat as if to say
'Just my luck to meet a crazy woman here today!'
The young person at the check-out, as she fiddles with the till,
Doesn't say a single word but, oh, if looks could kill!
I leave the store with head bowed, a blush upon my cheek.
I suppose I'll be forced to buy my things from another store next week!
Oh, you may laugh, and you may sneer! You may think my tale's a farce!
But after a blameless life I find I'm one of the criminal class!
*
