178. Off-White

(A photo of the players on my PLUS blog. This is particularly for Margaret, in New York, because I often mention these 'girls'(!) in my emails.)

A rather  longer entry than usual today as it's a short play. It is, in fact, a very silly version of 'Snow-White' that my little group is staging for this Christmas. Only a few wigs, a frame, some apples in a basket and some Santa hats are needed for props, and the words are read. The idea is that the group will act it first and then members of the audience will be asked to perform!

Maybe some of you who read my Blog might be looking for something to 'put on' during the Festive Season.
Help yourselves!

Off-White

Cast

The Reader.

The Queen; a blowsy dame with huge lipsticked lips.

Snow-White: well, you know.

The Mirror: someone looking through an empty photo frame.

The Seven Dwarfs: very dwarfy.*

Prince Vince: wow!

Reader

The tale we'll tell

You'll  know full well,

For it's been around for years.

It's called Off-White.

(You'll recall her plight.)

But first the Queen appears.

Queen

I am the Queen

And I'm very mean

Though I'm beautiful for sure.

I've the sort of looks

Read about in books

And I'm noble and I'm pure.

Mirror

Since this is a farce

I'm a looking glass

But I talk because I'm magic

As you can see,

As well as me,

Her looks are more like tragic!

Queen

Ah you can speak!

Now I'll take a peek!

Mirror mirror on the wall

You must now declare

That I'm fresh and fair,

The most beautiful of all.

Mirror

You sad old bag!

You mean old hag!

Your face is a ghastly mess.

Off-White you see

Is more fair than thee,

Though she wears a ragged dress.

Reader

Now I'll step in!

The plot is thin

But it needs an explanation.

The Queen is wild

For her husband's child

Has caused this situation.

Queen

I was always best!

Above the rest!

How dare she do the dirty?

I'll cook her goose!

No friendly truce

Can make me feel less shirty!

(Exit Queen)

Reader

And, sure enough,

In an awful huff,

She's leaves to plan and plot.

Off-White must die!

Her hopes are high

That she'll win back top spot.

The mirror wails

For this entails

A nasty gruesome slaughter!

Poor little Off-White

Can't put up a fight.

Though she's a monarch's daughter.

Off--White (entering)

I am Off-White,

I'm a bit of all right

Like  a pretty little rose.

I've juicy lips,

Undulating hips

And a dear little turned-up nose!

Mirror

It's true, my dear,

If you had the gear,

You'd win every prize around.

But flee for your life

From your father's wife!

You'd better go to ground!

(Exit Mirror)

Reader

So Off-White flees

Among forest trees

Until she loses her way.

It's late, it's dark

And her vital spark

Is withering away.

Off-White

A house I see,

Just right for me.

I think I'll go inside.

I wont be found

If the Queen comes round.

What a very good place to hide!

Reader

But she's rather fussed

By the dirt and dust

So she flicks her little duster

She attacks the dirt

With an energy spurt

And all the vim she can muster.

(Dwarfs come heighhoing from afar)

Off-White

But oh dear, oh dear!

Now what's this here?

What a ghastly sight I see!!

Seven old men!

Coming home again

Seven of them and me!!!!!

Reader

Off-White, at first,

Seems to fear the worst,

But the dwarfs are quite platonic!

They just require

A cosy fire

And a glass of gin and tonic.

Dwarfs

What a welcome sight

On a chilly night

A housemaid who's made to measure!

Make sure you stay

And work hard each day.

My! But we've found a treasure!

Off-White

I'll gladly work!

I will never shirk

Although I'm so good-looking!

I'll rake and hoe

And wash and sew

And even do your cooking!

(Exit Dwarfs)

Reader

The very next day,

They're on their way,

Back working in the wharves.

They sing heigh ho

As off they go!

They must be the Seven Dwarves!

Off-White

I'm free as air!

She wont know where

I'm safely tucked away.

I may be poor

But I know for sure

That this is where I'll stay

Reader

But as she works

Look, there she lurks,

The Queen in a deep disguise!

She has fruit to sell

Though we know full-well

She's going to tell some lies

(Queen enters in diguise)

Queen

You little dear!

See, I have here

An apple ripe and red.

It's big and bright

And just one bite

(aside) Will make sure that she falls dead!

Off-White

You dear old thing

What joy you bring

To a maiden all forlorn!

I'll taste your fruit

Although I'm cute

And very highly born.

Reader

She takes a bite

And, strike a light,

She begins to lose her breath.

She gasps, she chokes

She screams, she croaks,

And it all results in death.

Off-White

(Reviving briefly) I want a word!

I may look absurd

But they've given me permission

To die upright

At my full height.

A convenient position! (Repeat death)

(Exit Queen. Dwarfs return)

Reader

Off goes the Queen

Still mad and mean,

And the Seven Dwarfs return.

But their  tea's not cooked,

 It's been overlooked

As they'll very quickly learn.

Dwarfs

There'll be hell to pay!

Oh sorry day!

We've lost a great au pair!

We're high and dry

So let's have a cry!

Life simply isn't fair!

(Dwarfs sob and cry. Enter Prince Vince.)

Reader

But a handsome Prince

With a nice blonde rinse

Comes through the woods by chance.

His eyes are led

To a girl who's dead

And he gives a second glance

Prince

Make way! Make way!

You must obey!

For I'm from the upper crust.

She's in a faint

And I'm no saint.

In fact I'm consumed by lust!

Reader

He sees her hips

And her rosebud lips

And he loses all control!

Just look at this

He plants a kiss

And she wakes up! Bless my soul!

Reader

Just like real life

They'll be man and wife

And they'll both grow quite familiar!

But we have to say

That this little play

Couldn't have been much sillier.

* Can be one dwarf plus six audience-members Conga-style.