Enhancement

We are asked to use the words in blue.

ENHANCEMENT

These days when I see lovely shots
Of oceans, babies, forget-me-nots,
I always feel distinctly cheated.
The purpose of the shot's defeated.
Photo-shopped! ........That comes to mind.
I feel cynical, I find.
In days gone by I'd be goggle-eyed
If a photograph I spied
Was deserving of a 'Wow!',
But things are very different now
Should a model look too sallow
Make her look like a pink marsh mallow.
Should a sunset be too pale
A flush of orange cannot fail
To cause an appreciative reaction.
But I get no satisfaction
From these false mock  ups and deceptions.
Which result in misconceptions.
These days it seems that 'illustrate'
Means make the large appear more great,
Make the pretty girl look thinner,
Enrich the shot of the Sunday dinner.
The results are fine pictorially
But they don't do a thing for me.
*
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ABC WEDNESDAY

LOCO LOGIC!

 A workman on the railway was busy on the tracks,

And when it came to safety he was getting rather lax.

Indeed, at last a train arrived and roared in his direction

And he began to realise that he'd lacked circumspection!

Joe took off at his fastest pace, with the train behind, full-speed,

And, for the very shortest time, he was keeping in the lead!

But at last the train caught-up with him, and hit him, knocked him flat,

And everybody watching really thought that that was that!

But no! He regained consciousness and opened up his eyes,

Gazing at workmates standing round in evident surprise.

One spoke to him and said ' You fool! You could have got away!

By running up the embankment you'd have saved the day.'

 And Joe replied 'Upon my soul! What sort of statement's that?

How could I beat it on a hill when I couldn't on the flat?'

*

Forced Entry

MAD KANE

http://www.madkane.com

gave us the first line

FORCED ENTRY

A man who was rather a nut
Tried to,open a door that was shut.
He bashed and he butted
Until he was gutted
And his fists were all battered and cut.

(Last week I was voted the best!

Just guess how I puffed-out my chest!

I'm utterly thrilled

To find myself billed

Up there with the much-admired rest.

A limerick's such fun to write

And what's more it does not take all night!

Thank you Mad Kane!

I'll be writing again.

I'm flying as high as a kite.)

*

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TIMBER!

A lumber-jack in Canada was taking-on new men.
And he looked Archie up and down and up and down again.
'Lord! You're a skinny little runt' he gasped with mocking laugh.
'Most of my men are enormous. You look more like a half!
Never  mind, I'll give you a try.... see that great redwood nearby.
Let me see you chop it down. It's wide and thick and high.'
Archie chopped it down with ease. 'Why Archie! You're a freak!
Said the lumberjack 'Where on earth did you learn such a great technique?
'It was in the Sahara Forest.' Archie answered him at once.
Said the lumberjack 'You can chop all right but, Archie, you're a dunce!
There's no Sahara Forest. It's a desert, dry and brown.
'It's a desert now' said Archie ' Cos I chopped all the redwoods down.'
*

Ethnicity

BLUE MONDAY

ETHNICITY

I described a show as 'Ethnic'

And I thought I knew what I meant.

Somehow I saw someone 'Ethnic'

As living in a tent,

Wearing lots of gaudy beads,

Dancing to exotic beats,

Dressed in brilliant colours

And eating strange sugary sweets.

'Ethnic' meant speaking a language

That was gibberish to me,

'Ethnic' meant having different ideas

Of home and family.

Then I looked the word up on 'Google'

And found, to my surprise,

That 'Ethnic' doesn't mean 'darker-skinned'

Or 'having oval eyes'!

'Ethnic' means 'Belonging

To a group in a foreign land'.

So here was an explanation

That I could understand.

I belong to a cohort

Of 'English living in Oz',

Held together by memories

Of our Homeland that once was.

I don't wear brilliant colours,

My skin is a boring beige,

But I, too, could do an 'Ethnic' dance,

If I chose to, on Life's stage!

*

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THOROUGHLY MODERN GHOST

If there were ghosts in this modern age

They'd inhabit technology.

They'd hide in the corners of computers

And haunt creatively.

They'd be very poltergistic

In very modern ways;

They'd send us curious messages

And cause untold delays.

They'd do spirity things in the keyboard

Causing mis-hits and mistakes;

They'd make curious tingaling noises

And send us email fakes.

They'd make us lose our programs;

They'd make the screen go blank.

Forget about gloomy corridors

And dungeons dark and dank.

These modern ghosts would never stoop

To just saying 'Whee!' or 'Boo!'.

They'd live inside our computers.

 In fact, I think they do!

*

A Small Pleasure

Early morning 

MY WORLD

A SMALL PLEASURE

Just view from out my window;

Just a small suburban plot.

And an owner of a green thumb

I most certainly am not.

But I love my little garden

With its comfortable seats

Even if I never manage

Any horticultural feats.

Now it's spring, the plants are sprouting

Without any help from me;

Most are grown from others' flowerings,

(Little acts of larceny.)

You may dream of rolling acres,

Lawns that spread from here to there,

Giant trees that wave their branches

High into the friendly air.

 But my garden is so handy.....

Simply step outside the door

With a steaming cup of coffee!

No-one could ask for more.

*

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                                           Gerald Gee

THE GREAT LOTTERY

Variegated size and tint;

Similarities? A hint.

The DNA wheel spins around;

In for a penny, in for a pound!

What we land on goodness knows!

Granny's ears or Uncle's nose.

Auntie Annie's double chin

And her liking for pink gin.

A distant cousin's high-pitched laugh;

Her neck resembling a giraffe.

Sometimes, maybe, we inherit

A little something with some merit:

A  rosebud mouth like Auntie Ann's

Or a head of hair like Uncle Dan's.

The scientists head in the direction

Of creating babies of perfection.

They'll tweak the egg or tweak the sperm

( The thought of it just makes me squirm)

And out will pop this perfect creature,

Glorious in every feature.

How boring! How devoid of charm!

I view the future with alarm!

View the row of folk above

To see what I am speaking of.

Not one of them is without a flaw!

They drew wrong numbers in life's draw.

But when I see people such as these

I long to give them all a SQUEEEEEEZE!

*

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PS

We have just given a presentation of 'Cindy Eller' at a Maitland church. We were treated right royally with a tasty morning tea and a handsome gift and we all enjoyed ourselves. We had to make one or two alterations at the last minute as our pianist is unwell and our 'Prince' had sudden family problems. Such is the way of the world with our group! But Yvonne, fresh from a knee replacement (!) and Betty (who had to drag herself away from the arms of a lover!!!!!) filled in beautifully and I managed to be a Fairy Queen who also acted as Reader, so we got there!It all adds to life's rich tapestry!Afterwards we had a light lunch at one of our favourite restaurants at the Heritage Gardens.

The Chorus Line!

Wonderful facial expressions all round.

A rather elderly Fairy Queen!

Not a good shot but a delightful pose.

This is what True Love looks like . (One always tends to catch flies when this happens.)

This is my favourite shot.

And here is poor Yvonne, lurking in the background working the music. 

Note the Fairy Tale stage decorations arranged especially for us.

Fashion Statement

MAD KANE

gave us the (slightly altered) first line

FASHION STATEMENT

A woman would frequently pose

In very undignified clothes

On her feet she wore spats,

On her head she wore hats

And the parts in between simply froze.
*
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WHITE ON THE GREEN

I was on a shopping mission

When I espied this exhibition;

On the 'village green' in snowy white

A novel and refreshing sight.

Tae Kwon Do looks quite appealing;

Battles without a warlike feeling.

Self-defence is very sensible,

Though violence is reprehensible.

*

A Bridge

 A BRIDGE

Not of earth or sky

A bridge allows us to be

Elevated yet secure

*

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WAKE-UP CALL!

On his death-bed Arthur lay, all still and white

And they doubted if he'd even last the night.

Neighbour, Family and Friend

Said 'Poor Arthur! It's the end!'

For his chances of recovery were slight.

Then he smelt a quite familiar kitchen-smell!

It was something he remembered very well!

A cookie smell for sure!

It came wafting through the door!

A smell that all through life had rung a bell!

Arthur stirred himself and rose up in his bed;

'I must eat a final cookie!' Arthur said,

And he shuffled down the hall

Keeping steady by the wall,

Hanging on to life by just the merest thread!

In the kitchen, though his hand began to shake,

He decided which hot cookie he would take;

But his wife's voice rent the air.....

'Arthur Hudson! Don't you dare!

Don't you think of touching those! They're for the wake!'

*

Let-Down

THE MAG

http://magpietales.blogspot.com.au/

supplied the illustration

LET-DOWN

After the party I made my way home,
Feeling my life was drab.
The most exciting event that night
Had been the ride in the taxi cab!
Nothing seemed to be going my way.
Timothy hadn't called
And Eddie had said we were all washed up.
It seemed my life had stalled.
As we approached the house I saw
The windows ablaze with light.
Had one of them actually changed his mind?
What a delightful sight!
If it were Eddie I'd make quite sure
That I didn't seem too keen.
I'd toy with him, yes that's what I'd do
After all, he had been mean
If it were Timothy I'd have row
And put him on the spot.
I didnt want him to get the idea
That he was all I'd got.
I rushed up the pathway, and through the door
Lips all pursed for kissing.
I'd certainly show these errant beaux
Exactly what they'd been missing,
There was my house ablaze with light
And not a man in sight!
I'd forgotten to turn the lights off
When I'd gone out that night!

*

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THE GREAT GOD THOR

With his great red beard and his muscled arms

He once ruled in the sky.

His hammer was the thunder

That men heard as he passed by.

The sparks flew from his anvil 

And men saw the lightning flash,

And all the power on earth was there

Amid the roar and crash.

But he was also god of farming,

So the ancients must have seen

A link between  his power

And a world of verdant green.

And still the link continues

Between energy and growth;

And still we hold the old dream dear

That we can have them both.

For Thorium is ours to mine

And to use instead of coal.

Thorium, not uranium,

Can play a useful role.

Named after the great god on high

And found in many places,

It's likely to be cleaner 

Than the black fuels it replaces.

Safer, cleaner energy;

We'll need it more and more.

Once more we'll find we give our thanks

To the power of the great god, Thor.

*

Whew!

THREE WORD WEDNESDAY

WHEW!

You expected me to be miserable when you gave back the ring.

Instead a lark hopped into my heart and it began to sing!

For weeks I'd nursed a worry, inside my turmoiled brain;

Our romance wasn't working, but I couldn't snap the chain.

When first we'd met we'd been so good that we'd even set the date.

We knew we were meant for each other and we could hardly wait.

But, recently, a shard of ice had inhabited my heart;

I knew I no longer loved you, but it was too hard to part.

Your dress was made, the cake prepared, the relatives invited,

Everyone spoke in glowing terms of the day we'd be united.

And so, today, when you blurted out that the love you'd felt had died,

And that you felt just terrible but you couldn't be my bride, 

I immediately felt detached, and sort of floating free.

I was no longer 'the partner'; I was completely me!

A great weight lifted from me; I was light as air;

I was my own person, not one half of a pair.

Of course, I was a gentleman; I didn't let you know

That I was really over the moon and you hadn't laid me low!

'You've broken my heart!'......yes, I said it, but my tongue was in my cheek.

'I'm sorry!'.......yes, you said it, and a tear ran down your cheek.

And then then we simply parted, regret was not a risk.

And my step as I walked down the street was brave and bright and brisk.

*
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                                       Cockle Creek Australia

NOT THE DANUBE

I saw the Danube one fine day

When I chanced to be on a holiday.

Dreams of romance were in my mind;

Who knew what I would chance to find

Strolling along by the river-side

Blue and sparkling, clear and wide?

'The Blue Danube' echoed in my heart

And strains of Strauss began to start.

I knew that I'd be swept away

To another age, another day.

*

Now, maybe the dull day was to blame,

But the river did not live up to its name.

I apologise to my Austrian friends

But I feel that they should make amends.

All that publicity led me to

A river which was quite un-blue!

Donkey-brown and not a glimmer

Of sparkles that could have made it shimmer!

Strauss cancelled his concert in my brain

When he saw the Danube was under rain.

*

Now, please take note of the illustration

With which I began this conversation.

Here is a river that makes no claim

To having a world-wide remembered name.

Here is a modest little stream

That meanders on and would never dream

Of dabbling in publicity

Or of being more than it's meant to be.

Behold the Blue River of which I speak.

Here, on the map, is Cockle Creek!

*

Success Story

SUCCESS STORY

Uncle George was overweight. The Doctor said 'You must run

Five miles a day for a hundred days and, when all that is done,

You'll be down to your perfect weight, without the slightest doubt.'

So Uncle put on his running shoes to try the theory out.

After thirty days he rang the Doctor to say he now was slim

And the Doctor told him he was proud, very proud of him.

'I must measure you now' the Doctor said,'Call round and see me today.'

'That's a problem' Uncle George replied, 'I'm five hundred miles away!'

*

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AS IT SAYS ABOVE!

Home is where the heart is,

Likewise the liver and the  spleen.

You'll find the duodenum there,

If you know what I mean.

That's where you'll find the clippings

When you've pedicured your feet,

Unless you're a top-notch housewife,

Whose home is always neat.

Home is where the bills are,

And the dust under the bed.

Also the stain that Billy left

When his nose just bled and bled.

Home is where the laundry basket

Stands chock full of clothes

Crying out for treatment;

Some of it on the nose!

Yes, home is where the heart is

The bald patch, the hammer toe!

Isn't it a pity 

That they've nowhere else to go!

*

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PS

My friend, Vera, invited me to lunch yesterday, along with Ros, Jean, Dorothy and Mavis. Vera is a superb cook so our meal was very tasty and conversation flowed. The only thing I hated was the journey home. I struck rush-hour on the main road, and I haven't done that for ages. I was really scared as rushing drivers cut-in and changed lanes at high speed. I felt lucky to get home in one piece and I wonder if my driving days are numbered. However, I'll remember the day for the company.

Vera's home is very elegant.

She has just redecorated all the bedrooms in very restful colours.

And Angus has just built her a very spacious walk-in wardrobe.

Alfie, the dog, did his best to get into the photograph.

Dolphin Dive

Jimmys Beach NSW

OUR WORLD TUESDAY

http://ourworldtuesdaymeme.blogspot.com.au/

DOLPHIN DIVE

My son-in-law's at home in water,

Unlike his land-locked wife, my daughter!

I often think how much we miss,

 When I see enjoyment such as this.

I wish my young days had been spent

In a watery environment.

*

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THE WITCH'S COMPUTER

Since thou look'st at me askance

And leads thy Witch a merry dance

I'll now prepare an incantation,

Suited to this situation.

May thy keyboard jam and stick!

May thy mouse refuse to click!

May thy cursor be accursed

May thy arrows be reversed!

May thy screen be smeared with goo

May thy pictures be askew!

May thy microphone fall dumb!

May thy thingammyjig succumb!

Then..... when I see the state thou'rt in,

I shall cast thee in the bin!

*

Proof Positive

                  Bundy

THE PURPLE TREE HOUSE

http://purpletreehouse.blogspot.com.au/

asks for some comedy

PROOF POSITIVE

The policeman stopped Roberto's car and said that he was needing

His licence and other documents because he'd seen him speeding.

'I'm sure I wasn't, officer'....thus Roberto spoke....

'To say that I was speeding is simply just a joke.'

'It's certainly no joke, my man' the policeman, quickly, said;

'Breathe into this bag at once so your readings can be read!'

Of course the police equipment proved that he was inebriated,

Roberto snapped 'It cannot be the figure that you've stated!

Your equipment must be faulty. I think it's a disgrace

To have traffic cops of the likes of you hanging around the place!'

'Just watch your tongue!' cried the Officer 'Let the law take it's course!

How dare you sit there and criticise a member of the force!'

Roberto shouted 'You're lying! I'm as sober as can be!

And I will run you over if you don't get away from me!'

*

Then timid little Elsie, who'd been in the passenger seat,

Piped up and said, in a voice that was placating, soft and sweet....

'Take no notice of him, Officer; he always kicks up a stink

And gets very argumentative, when he's had too much to drink!'

*

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Blake with a Mullard relation, Sam.

THE IMAGE

What they gazed  at long ago

Is clearly not for me to know.

They see a picture that delights;

Something they have in their sights.

The digital age, when all the action

Is captured in instant satisfaction.

They capture an image, and so do I;

Something to treasure as the years go by.

*