Forced Entry

MAD KANE

http://www.madkane.com

gave us the first line

FORCED ENTRY

A man who was rather a nut
Tried to,open a door that was shut.
He bashed and he butted
Until he was gutted
And his fists were all battered and cut.

(Last week I was voted the best!

Just guess how I puffed-out my chest!

I'm utterly thrilled

To find myself billed

Up there with the much-admired rest.

A limerick's such fun to write

And what's more it does not take all night!

Thank you Mad Kane!

I'll be writing again.

I'm flying as high as a kite.)

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TIMBER!

A lumber-jack in Canada was taking-on new men.
And he looked Archie up and down and up and down again.
'Lord! You're a skinny little runt' he gasped with mocking laugh.
'Most of my men are enormous. You look more like a half!
Never  mind, I'll give you a try.... see that great redwood nearby.
Let me see you chop it down. It's wide and thick and high.'
Archie chopped it down with ease. 'Why Archie! You're a freak!
Said the lumberjack 'Where on earth did you learn such a great technique?
'It was in the Sahara Forest.' Archie answered him at once.
Said the lumberjack 'You can chop all right but, Archie, you're a dunce!
There's no Sahara Forest. It's a desert, dry and brown.
'It's a desert now' said Archie ' Cos I chopped all the redwoods down.'
*

Success Story

SUCCESS STORY

Uncle George was overweight. The Doctor said 'You must run

Five miles a day for a hundred days and, when all that is done,

You'll be down to your perfect weight, without the slightest doubt.'

So Uncle put on his running shoes to try the theory out.

After thirty days he rang the Doctor to say he now was slim

And the Doctor told him he was proud, very proud of him.

'I must measure you now' the Doctor said,'Call round and see me today.'

'That's a problem' Uncle George replied, 'I'm five hundred miles away!'

*

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AS IT SAYS ABOVE!

Home is where the heart is,

Likewise the liver and the  spleen.

You'll find the duodenum there,

If you know what I mean.

That's where you'll find the clippings

When you've pedicured your feet,

Unless you're a top-notch housewife,

Whose home is always neat.

Home is where the bills are,

And the dust under the bed.

Also the stain that Billy left

When his nose just bled and bled.

Home is where the laundry basket

Stands chock full of clothes

Crying out for treatment;

Some of it on the nose!

Yes, home is where the heart is

The bald patch, the hammer toe!

Isn't it a pity 

That they've nowhere else to go!

*

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PS

My friend, Vera, invited me to lunch yesterday, along with Ros, Jean, Dorothy and Mavis. Vera is a superb cook so our meal was very tasty and conversation flowed. The only thing I hated was the journey home. I struck rush-hour on the main road, and I haven't done that for ages. I was really scared as rushing drivers cut-in and changed lanes at high speed. I felt lucky to get home in one piece and I wonder if my driving days are numbered. However, I'll remember the day for the company.

Vera's home is very elegant.

She has just redecorated all the bedrooms in very restful colours.

And Angus has just built her a very spacious walk-in wardrobe.

Alfie, the dog, did his best to get into the photograph.

Proof Positive

                  Bundy

THE PURPLE TREE HOUSE

http://purpletreehouse.blogspot.com.au/

asks for some comedy

PROOF POSITIVE

The policeman stopped Roberto's car and said that he was needing

His licence and other documents because he'd seen him speeding.

'I'm sure I wasn't, officer'....thus Roberto spoke....

'To say that I was speeding is simply just a joke.'

'It's certainly no joke, my man' the policeman, quickly, said;

'Breathe into this bag at once so your readings can be read!'

Of course the police equipment proved that he was inebriated,

Roberto snapped 'It cannot be the figure that you've stated!

Your equipment must be faulty. I think it's a disgrace

To have traffic cops of the likes of you hanging around the place!'

'Just watch your tongue!' cried the Officer 'Let the law take it's course!

How dare you sit there and criticise a member of the force!'

Roberto shouted 'You're lying! I'm as sober as can be!

And I will run you over if you don't get away from me!'

*

Then timid little Elsie, who'd been in the passenger seat,

Piped up and said, in a voice that was placating, soft and sweet....

'Take no notice of him, Officer; he always kicks up a stink

And gets very argumentative, when he's had too much to drink!'

*

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Blake with a Mullard relation, Sam.

THE IMAGE

What they gazed  at long ago

Is clearly not for me to know.

They see a picture that delights;

Something they have in their sights.

The digital age, when all the action

Is captured in instant satisfaction.

They capture an image, and so do I;

Something to treasure as the years go by.

*