'No sex please, we're British'! Isn't that a well-known saying? Anyway, this joke complies with the order!
DUCK FOR COVER!
A woman carrying a duck arrived to see the Vet.
She was crying very salty tears for Cuddles was her pet.
'Doctor! Doctor!' she wept and wailed ' Tell me it's not true!
Tell me that Cuddles isn't dead! I don't know what to do!'
The vet put on his stethescope and placed it on the bird,
But not the slightest beating of a little heart was heard.
'I'm very sorry, Madam' he very gently said
'I'm afraid I have to tell you that your little duck is dead.'
At this the woman went berserk; she loudly cried 'Boo hoo!'
Refusing to believe that the words he said were true.
She began to question, she began to plead
'Get me a second opinion! That is what I need!'
'Certainly, Madam, if you wish. I'll see what I can do.
Although my diagnosis is quite definitely true.'
He rang a bell, a handler came, with a Labrador on a lead.
The woman, I can tell you, was very surprised indeed!
She was even more astounded when the dog leapt on the table
And began to sniff her little duck as fast as it was able.
It sniffed the head, it sniffed the tail, it even sniffed the feet.
No sniffing in the whole wide world was ever so complete.
It clambered down and sadly shook its head from side to side,
Indicating that the duck, had, very surely, died.
After the dog a cat came in and clambered on the bed.
The woman was so speechless that not a word was said!
Again the duck was sniffed and sniffed, and even gently licked!
The woman wondered, as you would, what sort of vet she'd picked.
The handler took the cat away, and then, as you'd expect,
The vet soon gave her his account. She hoped it was correct.
Amazed she saw that she'd been charged five thousand dollars plus!
The vet said 'Twenty dollars is all that comes to us.
But I gave you what you wanted; I did my very best;
The Lab report and Cat scan accounted for the rest!'