10. Loo Queue!

This one is unashamedly outspoken, but I'm sure many of you out there will find yourselves in tune with it's sentiments! The word 'loo' is a common one in Australia. If your culture prefers some other word for lavatory I'm afraid you'll have to find your own rhyme!

LOO QUEUE

The lights go up! It's interval!

And, as all ladies do,
I give a little squirm

And then I rush out to the loo.
But other ladies, fleet of foot,

Have headed there before me!
And no-one, not a single one,

Has left an opening for me!
So I am at the very back,

Trying studied nonchalance,
As I am forced to girate

In the well-known bladder dance!
You know the one, that little twist,

That shuffling of the feet,
That clenching of the buttocks,

That is terribly discrete.
I am stuck out in the foyer,

As the people pass me by,
Looking very obvious

And feeling very shy.
Now is the time to fix a smile

Of patience on my face,
With, all the time, the bladder-dance

Continuing apace.
Oh Lord! There's Ruthie Higgins!

Such a gossip! Such a cat!
I never liked the woman.

Now she's going to stop and chat!
I hear myself responding

'Yes, a really lovely show.'
She smirks and says 'I'm lucky, dear,

I never need to………… go.'
With a ghastly arch expression

She goes back into her place.
The bladder of a camel!

And a very similar face!
Ah! Now I'm in the doorway ,

A much more modest spot,
Shuffling in a chain-gang

With others of my lot.
Are these ladies all afflicted

With a problem such as mine
Or are they 'just-in-casers'

Taking my place in the line?
That one in front looks comfy,

So I give a baleful glance;
She's standing sraight and easy,

Not a trace of bladder-dance!
And what about that banshee

Shrieking out from just behind
'My child will wet her knickers!

Let us through, if you don't mind!'
Ah, lady, you can't fool me!

You're the one whose legs are crossed!
My expression, as I wriggle,

Has more than a touch of frost.
I am inching to Nervanah,

Sometimes known as bladder bliss,
There are few delights in all the world

As wonderful as this.
But as relief draws nearer

So my dance becomes emphatic,
Smiling, twisting, squeezing,

I'm becoming acrobatic!
Now, slam the door! Let out a sigh!

This is the glorious bit.
I can simply let it all hang out

And have a little ……. sit.
I feel I've suffered long enough;

I deserve a little rest.
Who cares about the waiting line.

I feel I've passed a test.
I feel relaxed. I lean right back.

It's Heaven after Hell.
I close my eyes. I drift a bit.

Oh damn and blast……the bell!