Saturday, July 19, 2008

66. In Yer Dreams, Granny!

I was travelling home on the train recently and I started musing about how I'd react if a mugger pounced on me as I came out of the station! (Let me say that I've never been attacked in my life and that our city of Newcastle is definitely not a hotbed of crime!) The following reveals the difference between 'musing' and reality!
IN YER DREAMS, GRANNY!

Today I've been rehearsing
All the words that I will say
If a mugger ever grabs me
As I'm on my homeward way!
I'm guessing he'll be looming up
All threatening in the gloom,
For it's certain that all muggers like to loom.

For a second I'll feel nervous!
After all I'm not too spry.
And he's sure to be a surly
And repulsive sort of guy.
But when he grabs my handbag
I'll lift my little chin
And this is how the sparring will begin......

'Give us yer ipod, Granny!'
He'll hiss into my ear!
And I'll reply 'An ipod?
Please make yourself more clear.'
(Note how I keep my wits about me,
Standing straight and tall!)
It really isn't difficult at all!

'Then how about yer mobile phone?'
He's getting quite persistent.
His hold upon my elbow
Is quite forceful and insistant.
'The only phone I have, my dear,
Is hanging on my wall!'
It really isn't difficult at all!

'Then turn out all yer credit cards!
And don't give me no lip!'
(I'm feeling quite elated now
And shooting from the hip!)
'I deal in cash and I'm afraid
I've spent that at the Mall.'
It really isn't difficult at all!

'Then how about yer house-keys?
And give us yer address!'
(I'm starting to enjoy it now,
Well sort of, more or less.)
'But you see, I've got dementia,
And I simply can't recall……..'.
It really isn't difficult at all!

He'll walk away, disgusted,
And just leave me standing there!
He'll look a bit dejected
But I can't say that I'll care!
I'll feel a wee bit shaken
But I'll know I've won the game!
You can tell I'm quite a feisty sort of dame.

BUT....

I must conclude this poem
On a rather different note.
Although I'd like to be
The brave old dame of whom I wrote,
I have the awful feeling
I'd be miserably meek
And the only word I'd utter would be

'EEEEEEK!'

9 comments:

Steve sculpts critters said...

Speaking of 'EEEEEEEK'....

My mice like to have the odd 'EEEK EASY'.

Maggie May said...

That was MARVELLOUS and I did enjoy it! Have a feeling they'd stick you with a knife and rummage through the bag!

system operator said...

Nice poem, did read some of the others too.

kathcom said...

I enjoyed this. I'm glad you put in the disclaimer at the end, because I've been in a few scrapes as a New Yorker and there's no sense of honor in these people. They'd beat you to death.

That said, this is a very nice poem. I'm sorry I took it so seriously.

RAJI MUTHUKRISHNAN said...

That was a fun read!

And I am afraid that is what I would come out with too, if a mugger ever crossed my path.

ChrisJ said...

Great poem! My sons laugh at me because I have my mobile phone with me but I never turn it on! I tell them it's for emergencies only. But truth be told, I tried to use it the other day to check on something at home and it took me ten minutes to figure out how it works!

Bear Naked said...

I am like you.
The only thing I would be able to say would be"EEEEk!"

Bear((( )))

WendyWings said...

eeek would be the only sounds coming from me as well I fear.

Kat said...

Sigh.... Brenda - You're so brave.
I wouldn't even be able to utter that :))))